While I was working on my research project for my Master's Degree today, I scanned a few negatives from my years with 4-H Photography in Metchosin, way back in the early 90s. They aren't good pictures in any way, but I think they're interesting. I can't identify where I took some of them, but that's no matter; nobody ever suggested that I was a prodigy at anything. This is, nonetheless, what I thought was interesting and picture-worthy when I was 10 years old.
Here they are:
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As much as I love the Rhodes, and as much as I intended on getting lessons, I still haven't found any real opportunities to properly learn how to play it. I've used it on multiple recordings, but it's never played a prominent role. Two tines were broken on it when I bought it, so it wasn't fully functional in the first place. I like to play it, and will gladly play it with people, but my skills are limited.
I finally repaired the Rhodes' broken tines a couple summers ago and recorded this video (below) to test them out. I hadn't tuned them perfectly, so when I hit the note it sounds a little off, but it was nice to try to play the full range of the thing, even though I'm a terrible pianist if I'm a keyboard player at all. Despite all of that, it is by far my most-watched video on YouTube. Considering the fact that most of the people finding the video would be used to Warren Zevon's piano skills, I still seem to have a sort-of positive effect.
Although I no longer claim Christianity in any way, I grew up listening to Christian Contemporary Music (CCM) and still have a fondness for some of those artists I listened to in the 90s and early 2000s. To be honest, I was never a fan of deeply theological songs—they are inherently tired in their metaphors and imagery—but I often gravitated to artists' more theologically neutral tracks. A few of them remain on my cell phone to appear in my shuffle. Unfortunately, their isolated industry leads to a limited audience. These songs deserve a little more recognition.
Here are a few tracks I remember with particular affection.
To be honest, I haven't got a clear answer. And without a proper diagnosis, how would I know? But that doesn't stop me from trying to find out. Although I look forward to talking to a therapist soon, for the time being I have to settle with my own folk diagnoses.
I started by learning a little about covert and overt Narcissism. I am most certainly not an overt Narcissist. So I could rule that one out. But covert Narcissism? That's a little harder to pin down. I read some articles, like this one and this one. I took this quiz:
And although each of these came out pretty negative, I still have my doubts. I still feel like a really self-centred person. At this point, I knew I was confused enough to leave it alone until I could get a professional diagnosis of some sort.
Until this morning. I listened to the following brand-spanking-new episode of CBC's Tapestry. Usually I avoid the show because it's fluffy. However, since Narcissism's been on my brain, I couldn't help but give it a listen.
Listening to that episode led me to The Narcissist Quiz at Time.
So according to that quiz, I'm not a Narcissist. And according to the other one, I'm not a covert one either.
But, again, how would I know that I'm not a covert Narcissist? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Perhaps I've just learned to manipulate people; perhaps I've learned how not to express my Narcissism because it's never worked; perhaps all the failures of my life fall directly on my shoulders? Perhaps I'm just a careless, petulant man-child who bit off way more than he can chew? I mean, I was making selfies back in the days of film, long before front-facing cameras. Perhaps I just love myself too much? But I don't. So I'm back at square one. Perhaps I'm like this:
Guess I gotta' get to therapy sooner than later.
My sister, when she couldn't handle Western life, moved to a convent. I don't think I have that sort of option. I have no choice but to make it through all this stuff. But I could sure use a break. |
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April 2024
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