To be honest, I haven't got a clear answer. And without a proper diagnosis, how would I know? But that doesn't stop me from trying to find out. Although I look forward to talking to a therapist soon, for the time being I have to settle with my own folk diagnoses.
I started by learning a little about covert and overt Narcissism. I am most certainly not an overt Narcissist. So I could rule that one out. But covert Narcissism? That's a little harder to pin down.
I read some articles, like this one and this one. I took this quiz:
And although each of these came out pretty negative, I still have my doubts. I still feel like a really self-centred person. At this point, I knew I was confused enough to leave it alone until I could get a professional diagnosis of some sort.
Until this morning. I listened to the following brand-spanking-new episode of CBC's Tapestry. Usually I avoid the show because it's fluffy. However, since Narcissism's been on my brain, I couldn't help but give it a listen.
Listening to that episode led me to The Narcissist Quiz at Time.
So according to that quiz, I'm not a Narcissist. And according to the other one, I'm not a covert one either.
But, again, how would I know that I'm not a covert Narcissist? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Perhaps I've just learned to manipulate people; perhaps I've learned how not to express my Narcissism because it's never worked; perhaps all the failures of my life fall directly on my shoulders? Perhaps I'm just a careless, petulant man-child who bit off way more than he can chew? I mean, I was making selfies back in the days of film, long before front-facing cameras. Perhaps I just love myself too much?
But I don't. So I'm back at square one.
Perhaps I'm like this:
Guess I gotta' get to therapy sooner than later.
My sister, when she couldn't handle Western life, moved to a convent. I don't think I have that sort of option. I have no choice but to make it through all this stuff.
But I could sure use a break.
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