After by far the most tumultuous summer of my life, I'm trying to get my brain back in gear for teaching. I came in to the classroom this afternoon and it's quite the struggle. My mind is just in too many places right now.
For one, I'm moving. On Thursday morning, I'll be able to move in to my new apartment in Agassiz. That's astoundingly stressful. I haven't lived alone for a decade now, and here I am moving into a little apartment away from my family. I'm terrified.
For two, BC's rolling out its new curriculum. Almost every course is like a fresh start. As a result, I'm suffering from flashes of imposter syndrome, where I keep expecting people to come through the door and say, "I found you out! You don't know what you're doing! You don't belong here! Get out of this classroom right now, you fraud!" For three, umm... isn't that enough? I could have used a summer that felt a little more like a Bebel Gilberto track.
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It's halfways through the summer and I find myself looking for some sort of temporary work. This is something I've never been good at. It's a bona fide challenge. My introversion shines really bright here as I try to humble myself while I simultaneously "talk myself up." It's a tough inner balance.
I glanced at possible summer jobs in May and June, but hoped that I wouldn't necessarily need to try to track one down. Now there's a month left of the summer and I am searching through Craigslist and whatnot for labor and whatnot. I've applied to Walmart, some custodial positions, and a warehouse. I've never sold anything; I've never worked in a restaurant; I've never lasted more than a couple months in a service job. Despite my current desperation for social interaction, applying that energy to sales or service is really tough. It wears me out and I've been trained in too many leadership and educational realms to throw on a happy face and market something I don't believe in. But I fear that I might have to turn that direction if I'm to find any work for August. Either that or farm work or something. Anyhow, months after finishing my Master's degree, I am humbling myself in more ways than one: I've alienated most of my friends; I'm separating from my wife; I'm looking for menial work; I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to do practically anything. Humbling of this sort is par for the course and probably good for me. But it's hard. Here's to hoping for some good luck, that some employer can look at my overqualified resumé and see something they actually like.
Neither of these are worth an individual post or commentary, but...
SMALL MILESTONE #1: I RAN 20km TODAY.
SMALL MILESTONE #2: I HAVE OFFICIALLY RECEIVED MY M.Ed CREDENTIALS.
I just wish I had something musical to announce. But I don't. So meh.
Follow-up to "Narcissist?"
A couple months ago, I wrote a blog post wherein I questioned whether I'm a Narcissist, or whether I have a bunch of Narcissistic traits. I still don't think I'm much of a Narcissist, although I feel as if I wouldn't know if I was or not.
Anyhow, recently, TED-Ed, which I love, posted a little animated video about it.
Follow-up to "Aiming for resilience"
I recently posted about how enduring stress builds resilience, and how...
In that post, I discussed failure and embedded a quotation about learning from failure. However, this video recently saw points out a problem at success measurement:
A couple Saturday nights ago, I played live at a private fundraising dinner. I practiced quite a bit and had a pretty good set lined up, or so I thought.
When the time came to play, once again I forgot words to songs, mixed up my verses, and generally screwed up. I felt humiliated. I'm tired of this. So I'm done with performing live on my own. It just doesn't work. If I can't remember lyrics right after all these years, it's not going to happen. So I asked my wife/partner if she'd like to accompany me, and she said "Yes," and this makes me happy. All in all, it's a matter of shifting my focus. I've been told by many people that my music is quite band-driven. I've always wanted to be a singer-songwriter, but I don't think I really fit with the mold. I'm not introspective enough to fit the singer-songwriter label. I play rock and roll and love to make music that keeps people happy. I think I need to reach deep into the dregs of my upbringing and remember the types of music with which I've been most successful through my live: as a bassist in post-rock bands or the leader in worship and praise bands.
So I'm done with trying to do it all on my own. I need someone to help me with my cues; I need someone to talk with; I need someone to help me with the vocals. I can still arrange the music and keep my name in the forefront; I just need to let other people join up with me. I'm looking forward to these adjustments to my direction. |
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April 2024
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