Follow-up to "Narcissist?"
A couple months ago, I wrote a blog post wherein I questioned whether I'm a Narcissist, or whether I have a bunch of Narcissistic traits. I still don't think I'm much of a Narcissist, although I feel as if I wouldn't know if I was or not.
Anyhow, recently, TED-Ed, which I love, posted a little animated video about it.
Follow-up to "Aiming for resilience"
I recently posted about how enduring stress builds resilience, and how...
In that post, I discussed failure and embedded a quotation about learning from failure. However, this video recently saw points out a problem at success measurement:
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As I noted in my "Adulting" post, being an adult is complicated and fraught with disillusion and cognitive dissonance. I am envious of people who seem to be able to smoothly traverse their lives. Perhaps they've given in to the system, but at least they're happy.
Last Friday, I attended a Professional Day session with an Occupational Therapist. Although the session was aimed at teachers who were dealing with students who had suffered from trauma, I kind-of chose it more for myself. I've been feeling pretty crushed by life as of late and want to get better, want to figure out what's really happening with me.
The therapist made many references to the relationship between stress and resilience. In response, I made a few reflection 30-second videos; here are a couple of them:
A few recent reflections from my social media sites.
From Twitter
As I'm working through Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication.
I posted both of the following videos under the same tweet because I thought the first one didn't upload. However, it did, and I think both of them work well together.
From Tumblr
And a display in Abbotsford got me thinking about abortion yesterday.
I've been thinking a lot about change as of late. After many difficult situations, I've come to realize that I haven't changed much over the years, that many of my efforts at self-improvement have fallen flat, or at least gone in far different directions than I could have ever conceived.
I glanced at some old journal entries I wrote in the early 2000s and found that I'm essentially the same person I was years ago. I still care about friends and family in the same way; I still struggle with being social; I still think somewhat independently, but struggle to express it. My writing has improved, and I'd like to think that I've improved overall, but I'm still essentially the same person. The BigThink Think Again interview with Sir David Hare filled my brain with a whole bunch of medium-sized thoughts, particularly in regards to change. Of course they excited me because they confirmed a few of my biases. Nonetheless, it's always nice when smart people can confirm my biases in a much clearer manner than I can myself.
One part of this interview that stood out to me focuses on the way we don't change very much through our lives. Hare speaks,
When I was young, I certainly thought I had a malleable character. I thought I could achieve things, and once I'd achieve those things, I'd feel better. It has never happened. And after all these years—10 or so years of teaching, 9 years of marriage, 9 years of fatherhood, 40 pounds gained and lost in 7 years, a CD "released," thousands of social media posts—I'm essentially the same person. Hell, even as all my cells have apparently been replaced, it seems like I'm the same person.
This discourages me a little. Recently, it has been made clear just how set-in-genes my character is. I have really pushed myself to change some of my habits and ways of thinking, but I haven't seemed to be able to do it. I've tried to battle off old prejudices, old habits, old ways-of-being-in-the-world. But I'm starting to think that I'm fighting a losing battle. Besides, a bunch of these battles might be misguided in the first place. Who am I to decide which comparatively OK traits need to be adapted in which way? And who am I to hand that responsibility over to somebody else? Just because I think, at some point, that a trait needs adjustment doesn't mean that it's a feasible, or even necessary, endeavor. So I'm at an impasse with my own sense of well-being. How annoying.
To be honest, I haven't got a clear answer. And without a proper diagnosis, how would I know? But that doesn't stop me from trying to find out. Although I look forward to talking to a therapist soon, for the time being I have to settle with my own folk diagnoses.
I started by learning a little about covert and overt Narcissism. I am most certainly not an overt Narcissist. So I could rule that one out. But covert Narcissism? That's a little harder to pin down. I read some articles, like this one and this one. I took this quiz:
And although each of these came out pretty negative, I still have my doubts. I still feel like a really self-centred person. At this point, I knew I was confused enough to leave it alone until I could get a professional diagnosis of some sort.
Until this morning. I listened to the following brand-spanking-new episode of CBC's Tapestry. Usually I avoid the show because it's fluffy. However, since Narcissism's been on my brain, I couldn't help but give it a listen.
Listening to that episode led me to The Narcissist Quiz at Time.
So according to that quiz, I'm not a Narcissist. And according to the other one, I'm not a covert one either.
But, again, how would I know that I'm not a covert Narcissist? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Perhaps I've just learned to manipulate people; perhaps I've learned how not to express my Narcissism because it's never worked; perhaps all the failures of my life fall directly on my shoulders? Perhaps I'm just a careless, petulant man-child who bit off way more than he can chew? I mean, I was making selfies back in the days of film, long before front-facing cameras. Perhaps I just love myself too much? But I don't. So I'm back at square one. Perhaps I'm like this:
Guess I gotta' get to therapy sooner than later.
My sister, when she couldn't handle Western life, moved to a convent. I don't think I have that sort of option. I have no choice but to make it through all this stuff. But I could sure use a break. |
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April 2024
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