Agency vs. Objectification.

I will use my privilege to protect you from my male gaze.

I'm not a confident person. I can deal with that. This plan to limit my use of social media is one part of me trying to increase/improve my sense of self-confidence.

This lack of self-confidence can have some serious negative effects: it makes me unnecessarily stress out about my upcoming research project for my Master's in Education degree; it makes me frightened about self-promoting my own music. There are countless ways that I don't feel adequate.

A lack of self-confidence was rather useful being raised in the church. I could always come across as "humble" because I had no self-confidence. This misreading of the nature of both humility and confidence served me well in the church context because I didn't have an ego to "get past" in order to "serve."

But with relationships, my lack of self-confidence has always been a problem. I squandered many dates by "not stepping up" to the next level, whatevertheheck that might have been at that time. I avoided dates and girlfriends in the name of my lack of self-confidence.

And when I would enter relationships, I'd fall into a seemingly unique hole: I'd be so afraid of objectifying a woman that I would essentially act asexually. I'd feel like any sexual suggestion or idea would essentially make me into a sexist pig who couldn't see past a woman's body. And this still carries on to today in some aspects; I still fear coming off as a "bro" if I make a comment about a woman's appearance. This is good for avoiding making sexist remarks; this is bad for acknowledging a woman's sexuality or acknowledging the time and money women put in to their appearance.

But I was listening to an episode of The Gentleperverts Social Club and I heard this excerpt that might help me make sense of the difference between Objectification and Agency. In this segment, which was lifted from This Week In Blackness Prime Episode 681. The segment responds to an article by Meghan Murphy, the one columnist on Rabble that I've never really been able to sympathize with. The speakers on TWIB respond to Murphy's continual misrepresentation of both transexuals and sex workers, highlighting the racial tropes Murphy stumbles through as she tries to justify her ignorance. The hosts of TWIB handle her article with precision, compassion, nuance, and humor.

For the portion of The Gentleperverts Social Club where I first heard this, the applicable discussion starts at 13:30.

For the embedded episode of This Week In Blackness Prime above, the discussion starts at 42:28.

For the purpose of this weblog, I'd like to highlight the following explanation, starting at 54:20 in the TWIB Prime podcast embedded above.

You cannot objectify yourself. Objectification needs to be done from the outside looking in, wheras if you do it yourself, that's not objectification, that's called "agency."

or, in reference to the tweet that they refer to in the show,

You cannot objectify yourself. When you choose that it is called agency. Take notes Meghan | Live: http://t.co/kn4O31yClQ #TWIBnation

— #TWiBprime (@TWiBprime) April 23, 2015

I'd never thought about it that way. That might be helpful. At those times when my partner[s] have agency over themselves, I need to acknowledge and encourage that agency in any way I can. The question might be, "Do I have the self-confidence to accurately encourage that agency in my relationships?" and "What would that look like?"

Now I just need to talk to my wife about it and see what she thinks.