My research project, the cornerstone of my Master's Degree in Educational Leadership, is due on April 1.
And my distraction is getting to me.
For the last four years, most of my spare brainspace has been dedicated to my Master's degree. I've read a lot of books, academic papers, and blog posts; I've taken numerous, nebulous classes; I've conversed with ambitious, driven leader-people. I have deliberately avoided creating things in order to leave room for this project. I am a terrible academic and these things take far more time than they should. The way I've been thinking for this project does not come naturally to me at all, and I'm starting to get squirrelly about it.
Most significantly, my brain and body are itching to create new things—videos, songs, photo art. I'm starting to feel a little bit of love for music again and a few musical ideas are trying to well from my insides. I want to make music again. I might even be getting an ounce of musical self-confidence back, which would be nice. I also miss visiting with people. My social life, for many reasons, has taken a crash and burn over the last few months. This paper, most certainly, has got int the way of doing many social things. I miss talking to people, meeting people, sharing intimate conversations, and trying to make a connection. But for now I have to focus on this project. I can't afford not to get it done. So it's time close the browser, even if this entry feels vapid and trite.
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Never heard of Kavinsky, never heard of this song until the most recent episode of Very Bad Wizards. Great song. Love that contrast between the digitized/vocoded vocals and the basic female vocals. Not too sure about the message.
I've been enjoying my clip on lenses a little too much.
Here's a selection of my comparative macro fun.
Over at BigThink, Jason Gots posted an article in praise of "amateurism." He focuses mainly on lo-fidelity talent that breeds a popular, loyal following, such as punk rock and The Velvet Underground. These are the classic examples of popular amateurness, but I guess they have their niche. And enough people, myself included, enjoy a lot of that amateurish stuff. Raw, amateur songs like "The Fire Still Burns" and "Scrabble Girl" fill me with joy every time they appear on my shuffle.
Anyhow, Gots concludes,
I have certainly fallen into the "too self-aware" camp when it comes to my own music and profession. To be honest, I generally hate the things I create. But I shouldn't be so hard on myself because I'm not trying to be anything but an amateur. I think I might just have to admit that amateurness suits me.
I've been thinking about this in relation to my own ambition… or lack of it. Numerous people have told me over the years that I should "go into music" or that I can "make it." And I used to say that I didn't think I was professional enough to do it, that I didn't have enough faith in myself, that I really had nothing to share that people couldn't get from anybody else. And I'd still stand by those *ahem* excuses. But, as I'm coming to the end of this Leadership degree (I hope), and as various turmoils distract me in my life, I also can't help but notice how little I want anybody's attention. I don't want everybody looking at me. At all. I am astoundingly content to have a website nobody visits, music nobody hears, and photographs nobody sees. I am more than content with my own lack of influence on the world, even in the arts I claim for myself. I mean, just look at me:
Does it get more amateur than that? I don't think so.
Or this? Some time over the last couple days, I broke 50000 views on Panoramio. I don't know if that's a milestone, but it sounds cool. They haven't updated their "view on map" thing for a couple years. Alas.
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April 2024
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