So annoying to see how normal I am.

A few months ago, while I was reading Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence, I came across his summary of John Gottman's marriage studies. In response, I posted the following to Twitter:

It's humbling to discover the normalcy of your issues, the way you live up to a classic pattern. pic.twitter.com/qC1OCXnsaw

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) May 20, 2016

I believe I was referring to this general section of Emotional Intelligence:

This was a rather frustrating section of the book to read. I saw my own experience written so clearly that it really hit home how predictable the pattern was in my own marital breakdown. Although I had originally thought I was experiencing something unique, in reality I was experiencing what millions of couples have experienced over the years. I didn't have the energy to do much more with it at the time, but I felt a little less alone.

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Two days ago, I had a meeting with a Family Justice Counsellor. It was a good meeting that helped give me a little more direction in this separation process. The counsellor recommended John Gottman's work, saying that it might be useful to read it even though my marriage itself is over. She said, "You're still a family, even if you're living in different places. The ideas in Gottman's work might be useful for communication even when you're separated."

​So I meandered down to Nugget's Used Books and bought a copy of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and how you can make yours last. 

A little late to read this book for its express purpose, but the family justice counselor recommended it anyhow. pic.twitter.com/s0n1JDRCqM

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) August 3, 2016

It's got 231 pages. I'm currently at 119. 

And blammity-blammity, wowee-zowee, this is some convicting shit.

I have often been accused of being defensive and been very frustrated with feeling like I can't defend myself without digging myself into a hole. Although I'd recently seen a clear explanation of defensiveness's destruction a few weeks ago, this section from Gottman hit hard about just how my I-think-I'm-doing-the-right-thing behaviour was actually something that dug me deeper and deeper into a hole. Gottman writes,

Guilty as charged. □□□ pic.twitter.com/gNoS1ZmJQv

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) August 4, 2016

And then, a few pages later, there was this description of "stonewalling." And my heart sank.

Oh lord. This is some seriously convicting reading. I did this. I am in the 85%. pic.twitter.com/BXSbJ6HBom

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) August 4, 2016

Because I did it. I flooded, I stonewalled. I chose to stonewall and decided that I was doing the right thing, trying to be "neutral," trying to put off the discussion until things had calmed down, until I could think clearly. Instead, it was the final nail in my marriage, the act that shut it down more than anything else, the act that solidified the negative thoughts that bounced back and forth for the months that followed. 

I'm still amazed that I can pick up a published book and read my own experiences in it. It seems so... petty. I feel, I should be better than that, or I should have known better. It's humbling to see just how normal it is because it means that if I'd made different decisions, different choices, and maintained things better, there's a good chance that I could have cut a lot of this off a long time ago and maybe continued to have a positive relationship with my ex-wife. But I didn't. And we're done.

I'm a really average, normal guy.

Normalcy is the stepping-off point for my new life.

​Hm.