Narcissist?

For a multitude of reasons, my brain has been full of thoughts of mental health over the last few months. I've attended a few sessions with a counsellor, read loads of articles, bought a book, and generally tried to practice a few mindfulness techniques. I've tried to create little pieces of expression, even thought I haven't been able to make any music. My life's ridiculous busyness has not been aided by my hopefulness, and some of those hope-based decisions have damaged friendships and integrity. My capacity for hope has cost me dearly. It's been a rough go.

As I've tried to address my own mental anguish, I've sought out a answers to my various issues. Most prominent on my brain as of late has been the question of my own possible Narcissism. Am I a Narcissist? Is my worldview debilitatingly myopic because I think I'm better than everyone?

http://jeffnords.tumblr.com/post/136608243156/630am-first-morning-after-the-holidays-i-am-not

To be honest, I haven't got a clear answer. And without a proper diagnosis, how would I know? But that doesn't stop me from trying to find out. Although I look forward to talking to a therapist soon, for the time being I have to settle with my own folk diagnoses.

I started by learning a little about covert and overt Narcissism. I am most certainly not an overt Narcissist. So I could rule that one out. But covert Narcissism? That's a little harder to pin down.

I read some articles, like this one and this one. ​I took this quiz:

OK. I'm not one. Phew. | 23 Signs You’re Secretly a Narcissist Masquerading as a Sensitive Introvert https://t.co/BaWcBKr5Vx #science

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) December 28, 2015

And although each of these came out pretty negative, I still have my doubts. I still feel like a really self-centred person. At this point, I knew I was confused enough to leave it alone until I could get a professional diagnosis of some sort.

Until this morning. I listened to the following brand-spanking-new episode of CBC's Tapestry. Usually I avoid the show because it's fluffy. However, since Narcissism's been on my brain, I couldn't help but give it a listen.

Good topical episode in my life. Let's give this test a shot. | A Field Guide to the #Narcissist https://t.co/88zeVZjUYk @cbctapestry

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) January 4, 2016

Listening to that episode led me to The Narcissist Quiz at Time​. 

I wonder if years of evangelical false humility skewed my score downwards. #narcissisttest https://t.co/Ci05JSnpsO pic.twitter.com/C0fnmdhjKH

— Jeffrey Nordstrom (@jeffnords) January 4, 2016

 So according to that quiz, I'm not a Narcissist. And according to the other one, I'm not a covert one either.

But, again, how would I know that I'm not a covert Narcissist? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Perhaps I've just learned to manipulate people; perhaps I've learned how not to express my Narcissism because it's never worked; perhaps all the failures of my life fall directly on my shoulders? Perhaps I'm just a careless, petulant man-child who bit off way more than he can chew? I mean, I was making selfies back in the days of film, long before front-facing cameras. Perhaps I just love myself too much?

But I don't. So I'm back at square one.

Perhaps I'm like this:

http://jeffnords.tumblr.com/post/136172630161/nothing-but-thinking-and-selfieing

Guess I gotta' get to therapy sooner than later.

My sister, when she couldn't handle Western life, moved to a convent. I don't think I have that sort of option. I have no choice but to make it through all this stuff.

​But I could sure use a break.