Again, I'm so glad to finally, after years of reading books and articles for my degree, read books that I've chosen to read myself. It appears that I'm on a self-help kick.
Carol S. Dweck's Mindset: The new psychology of success
Mindset was an interesting book to read. Although I don't think it said anything I haven't heard before in my reading and education, its overall tone and syntax made the ideas easy to digest and new. Dweck's sentences were terse in a way that lead to a sortof meditative, incursive reading state. Recommended, but light. And the last chapter's boring. FINISHED READING JUNE 8, 2016
Harriet B. Braiker's The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome
I felt that this was a good book for me. I feel as if I was raised to be a "people pleaser" at the expense of my own boundaries and needs. This goes back to what first set me on this self-help kick, Nonviolent Communication, but The Disease to Please brought a lot of my personal issues into a sharper focus. I've started to realize how I was raised to believe that personal boundaries and needs are inherently selfish, so I've basically lived my life without them. Most of my personal issues right now stem from a severe lack of personal boundaries. I'm still working through the "21 Day Action Plan," but the book itself was very good. FINISHED READING MAIN PORTION OF THE BOOK JUNE 13, 2016. FINISHED 21-DAY ACTION PLAN [pending]
Brené Brown's Daring Greatly.
Daring Greatly isn't a "deep" book, but it's a practical one that clearly advocates for vulnerability in contrast to a shame culture and mindset. I think this was a good contrast to The Disease to Please because although I hope to "cure" my "disease to please," I don't want to give up on my open vulnerability to do it. I've also got my share of shame triggers, plenty of which I'm battling with right now, plenty of which push me to mutter horrible things to myself under my breath. Recommended, light read, but I kind-of want a heavier text on the topic. FINISHED READING JUNE 22, 2016
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I've been working through The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome over the last couple days. It's had quite a few passages that have really stood out to me, but this one really takes the cake:
This passage stands out to me because I've heard some of these accusations before — "passive-aggressive," "manipulative," "coercive," "controlling" — and I've always felt that those labels have been obscenely out of place. I felt entirely misunderstood, that the labels were unfair and misguided.
But this. To be honest, I knew this stuff was happening, but I couldn't put words to it and I didn't want to admit it. But to see it laid out so clearly on the page is rather humbling. Part of this whole process is about learning how to take responsibility for my own behaviour, my own convictions, for the times when I've ignored my own boundaries and needs, when I've said "yes" in order to placate a situation where I most certainly should have said "no." The other part of this is learning to not take responsibility for other people's emotions, for other people's feelings. I can affect other people's feelings, but they need to take responsibility for themselves as well. I don't know how to do that yet. But that's coming up in the next few chapters, and here.
Here's my second installment of books I've finished over the last few months. I tend to have four or five books going at a given time, so I've decided to order them by the date that I first finished reading them.
(Click here for my first instalment) Mark Goulston's Talking to Crazy: How to deal with the impossible and irrational people in your life.
I ordered this book as an audiobook because it was cheaper than the real thing. I put the disc in old personal mp3 CD Player and carried it around the house while cleaning, out for walks with the dog, and for trips to the grocery store. It's been a good book for me because it says lots of things I already know in a tone that makes self-improvements sound achievable. Although its title suggests that it's about talking to other people, ultimately it's about improving yourself and your own communications with people. FINISHED READING MAY 11, 2016
Peter A. Levine's In An Unspoken Voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness.
I bought In An Unspoken Voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness when I was in Victoria back in March. I'd been moved by a workshop with an occupational therapist who recommended two other Peter A. Levine books, but I decided to choose the "magnum opus" instead. It was an excellent read, despite the fact that I am not the book's intended audience. FINISHED READING MAY 16, 2016
Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence is one of those texts that can safely claim the "influential book" mantle. Essentially a compilation of various psychological and sociological studies, the text makes the case for the importance of emotions in all decision-making. I will keep this book on hand for a long time and regularly return to its appendices.. FINISHED READING JUNE 1, 2016
I've been enjoying taking bite-sized intellectual chunks out of The Book of Life for the last few weeks. Here's how they describe themselves: WHAT IS THE BOOK OF LIFE[?] That's pretty stankin' ambitious. I like it. It's an easy "food for thought" source for when I'm hungry for thought-food. And although I may not agree at times, I enjoy it. Most appealing to me at this moment is their advocacy for what they call "The Melancholy Position" in relationships. On their entry for "Loyalty and Adultery," they write, There is in a sense only one answer of sorts, and it can be called the Melancholy Position because it confronts the sad truth that in certain key areas of human existence, there simply are no good solutions. If we embraced the Melancholy Position from the start, we would need new, sadder, vows to exchange with our partners in order to stand a sincere chance of mutual fidelity over a lifetime. Certainly something far more cautionary and downbeat than the usual platitudes would be in order – for example: ‘I promise to be disappointed by you and you alone. I promise to make you the sole repository of my regrets, rather than to distribute them widely through multiple affairs and a life of sexual Don Juanism. I have surveyed the different options for unhappiness, and it is you I have chosen to commit myself to.’ These are the sorts of generously pessimistic and kindly unromantic promises that couples should make to each other at the altar. This is something I can connect with a little. I understand that "there are no good solutions." I have meandered through a few of these this year where I've encountered, enabled, and instigated problems that cause heartbreak all round, where no solution brings anybody out on top. And week after week I find myself more and more resolved to Melancholy because none of the other solutions look particularly appealing. If there was a good solution for my problems, I'd embrace it. But there isn't one.
As I take responsibility for the social and mental places I've put myself, my desire to make music and art has plummeted. Perhaps if I can embrace the Melancholy Position, I can rebuild my relationships with my partner, my friends, my self. I know that some artists have been able to embrace the heartbreak and change in their lives to create something beautiful. I'm not a romantic. I don't revel in my sadness and heartbreak. Even when I stumble into sulkiness, I don't do it as a personal expression in order to show people how sad I am. But as a non-romantic, perhaps I can jive with my musical side again if I can just embrace the Melancholy and build from there, to build from a place where I know that things won't change that much, where a singular step forward is always a comparatively important one. But I can't fully embrace the Melancholy Position yet. I still have a bunch of self-help and psychology to get through and I'd like to get through all of this in as methodically as I possibly can.
Clearly, I've been aching to read some texts that aren't leadership/academic-based. As my Master's degree has tailed away, I've started pounding through multiple texts that show my wide range of interests. Below are a few of the videos I've made to commemorate my completion of each book, starting in late March with an audiobook.
Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.
I hadn't read Brave New World yet, but didn't think I'd have the patience to read it word for word. I listened through it twice while I was over in Victoria. I think I have enough of a handle on it now that I look forward to reading it on paper one day.
Jacquie McNish & Sean Silcoff's Losing the Signal: The Spectacular Rise and Fall of Blackberry
It's hard to comprehend how quickly I pounded through this book, but it was really interesting because I watched most of this happen through the news. My brother also worked for QNX for a few years, so I had a slightly personal connection.
Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish: A Novel by David Rakoff
I'd wanted to read this since I first heard about it, but I wanted to make sure I could give it all my attention. David Rakoff is one of my favourite writers and literary performers.
Pia Mellody's The Intimacy Factor.
This book was recommended from the same workshop that inspired my "Aiming for Resilience" post a few months ago. I ordered it and am glad to own it. Although I don't really care for some of the "spiritual" truisms it espouses, I appreciate her overall attitude towards relationships and boundaries. I think I know the book well enough to reopen it to the right places when I'm having trouble assessing my personal boundaries myself.
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